Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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