I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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