How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
