I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
