That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
