The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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