you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
