I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
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We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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