Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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