I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Are my feet made of real feet?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
