Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
