already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
