Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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