Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
