I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
