My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
