Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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