I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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