Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
