I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
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My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
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Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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