I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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