i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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