True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
