It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
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He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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