Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
