I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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