she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
