Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
