i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
