I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
