Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
