I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
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Why can't burritos get me drunk
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize