I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
