I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
