I puked a lego.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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