I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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