youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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