She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
