It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
