The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
PS: I just woke up from my shower
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
