I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
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