Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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