He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
