One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
