my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
