I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
