Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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