I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
