That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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