One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
