I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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