My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
