put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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