just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
