My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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